Dear Nondescript High School Girl,
It’s me again. Your abstinent vampire boyfriend! How ya doing?
You’re probably wondering if the sun makes me sparkle EVERYWHERE.
You’ll find out when we’re maaaarried.
Love (your blood, which is just like a comet or some shit),
Your Abstinent Vampire Boyfriend (AVB)
Hey Nondescript High School Girl,
It’s me– your abstinent vampire boyfriend. What up?
I just wanted to remind you of how important it is that we wait until marriage before I have craaaazy vampire sex with your semi-conscious body. Otherwise our evil half-breed demon won’t be legitimate.
Love (but in a pure way),
Your Abstinent Vampire Boyfriend (AVB)
Oh kids! Dear readers! That republican with the cupcake-centric email address who sent me hatemail!
How I’ve missed you so!
Obviously I had to take a long break to luxuriate in the results of the last election. Of course, this was immediately followed by the requisite soul-searching sense of displacement. Who am I? What is my purpose? Who do I blog about now that Sarah Palin is safely ensconced in Alaska, amid turkey blood and Burberry?
Then I was like, “Dude, whatevs. I’ll post a picture of a kitten eating it’s tail.”
Clearly a metaphor for the GM Auto bailout proposal. A CUTE Metaphor!
And it was glorious.
Ashley Todd. Can we skip the part where I’m outraged and sickened and get to the part where Sarah Palin buys us all fabulous shoes as reparation?
Oh fine.
Clearly Ashley Todd is deeply ill. And, honestly, I’d be happy to leave it at that. Someone who carves a freakin’ letter into their own face and then says that she was attacked for her political views? A sick girl with a misplaced martyr complex. And I’m almost tempted to just back away in horror and pity.
Oh, except for one thing.
“A young McCain campaign volunteer made up a story of being robbed, pinned to the ground and having the letter “B” scratched on her face in what she had said was a politically inspired attack by a 6-foot-4 black man, police said Friday.”
WHAT THE FUCKCAKES?
Of course Ashley Todd got fake mugged by a black guy. White people are ALWAYS using the “tall black man” to cover up their own crime. This, for instance. Or this. And also this. Ooh, all the way back to this.
See, blaming a black man for a political attack served two purposes for Ashley. Not only does it paint black people as criminals, it also would make Obama supporters look unstable.
In fact, she just gave us a lovely October gift.
Thank you Ashley! Now get therapy and be less of a racist bitch.
Love,
The Commuter
Step One: Get $150,000 from donations to the Republican Party.
Step Two: Makeover!!!
Step Three: Act confused.
Step Four: Charge women $1,200 for rape kits. See, now you’ve made back that money you spent at Neiman Marcus! Plus some!
Happy Halloween, children.
It’s going to be HILARIOUS when that girl grows up to be a lesbian vegan abortionist.
The father said he named his third child after John McCain and Sarah Palin to “to get the word out” about the campaign.
Because, obviously, not enough people know there’s an election coming up.
Neighbor: Hey, congrats on the new baby! That’s great! Hey, just out of curiosity, why did you name your daughter Sarah McCain Palin?
SMP’s Father: Well, there’s a presidential election coming up, and I wanted people to know who was running.
Neighbor: No kidding? An election? This is the first I’ve heard of it. Ever! Of course, now that I know your daughter’s name, I’ll be sure to vote for Sarah McCain Palin! You’ve convinced me!
SMP’s Father: Great!
Neighbor: And I’m sure your daughter, when she grows up, won’t resent you at all for turning her birth into a political statement.
SMP’s Father: Yep.
Neighbor: She won’t hate you.
SMP’s Father: Nope.
